My first encounter with Yoga was in the fall of 2010. I had started in a group psychotherapy treatment lead by the late Dr. Carlos Chan. During those years we did a mix of psychotherapy, drama therapy and Bio-Energetics, and in the curriculum Yoga positions had its own substantial part.
Already after a few sessions I thought myself to be a splendid Yogi and I started organizing groups of my own in Gothenburg. I was very convinced of my new calling, which made it easy to convince others of its importance. That conviction held on and as I went to India, just efter the therapy with Carlos had ended in the spring of 2013, I already thought of myself to be accomplished: I knew everything of importance concerning the subjects of body and mind and the process of getting a Yoga certificate was only a formality.
Paradoxically, even though I apparently knew everything already, I continued the search for more, becoming progressively confident in the idea that I was going to become enlightened. I remember myself talking as if I thought that I was already half-there.
As I discovered Goenka’s Vipassana I found a new addiction: meditation. It was a struggle but I continued with blindfolded and powerful conviction, believing that it would set me free, with no deeper reflection on what that actually might mean. I meditated for thousands of hours and I had some profound experiences, one of them being what they call ’banga nana’ — dissolution of body and mind. After one of those bangas I remember believing I had become a Jesus. For a couple of days I walked around with that feeling, moving slowly and smiling at everyone.
At that point onwards I was quite convinced that I had climbed the throne of wisdom: I had conviction. I had answers. I had insight. I simply knew most things worth knowing, is what I thought. Luckily, everything changes, and something realized I had only climbed the throne of seeking. And sitting there, even that was not for very long.
During the time of sitting on the throne of seeking I was teaching Yoga to people from all over the world. At some point I had classes on three continents within the time-frame of one year and I felt a bit intoxicated from being in the center of attention, like a rock artist moving from country to country, from stage to stage. I am still amazed by the large groups of people that would flock to my classes.
I was very good at convincing others that Yoga or meditation, in whatever form I was teaching at the time, was the means of reaching a higher “state-of-mind” and becoming a better human being. Those people that got convinced also got energy from that conviction and that was often proof enough that I was right. I later realized that most rock stars live and thrive in the same dynamic; expressing strong conviction in a somewhat focused form. A phenomena that people seem to gather around in all sorts of ways.
I did genuinely think that I was doing something good, that I was helping the world somehow, but there was always a subtle sense in the background whispering another melody in my ear. But shut up, I said to it, people love this! But Lars, it said, don’t you feel? Shut up, people love this and they even want to pay a lot of money for it, isn’t that an indication of that the world is in need of something like this? No, and Lars, look deeper.
And I did eventually look, and I noticed that I was sitting on the throne of seeking and people were bowing in my direction and I felt very important and they seemed to like to bow and we were all very serious about it and we were saving the world.
There isn’t anything right or wrong about seeking, but I think that when it is really noticed, one can’t help to feel a bit of distaste for it. Another thing that seem to happen is that the more it is noticed the more one realizes how it is expressed everywhere in all sorts of forms. All seekers are essentially the same in the sense that they all carry the same almost endless impatience, but every seeker is also unique in the way this impatience is being carried out. There is a fantastical variety in the differences. One could even say that there is a kind of beauty coming out of that diversity. A beautiful madness.
That’s also why I can forgive myself and others for all the crazy seeking adventures that have happened, still happens and will happen. And it doesn’t matter how many Gurus, teachings or rock stars that are playing around on this earth. They mean nothing in the end. They are simply only expressions of impatience trying to thwart the ever-present natural patience of being.