seemingly so it ain't so, it just seems to be

Background

As I looked down the edge of the cliff a chill ran through my spine. Because of mist I couldn’t see the very bottom, instead all I could look down into was white endlessness. It felt invigorating. And scary of course. I had anticipated these feelings. In the same way I had anticipated what was going to happen next:

I was going to hesitate all the way through. Clearly, ending ones life isn’t a pre-packaged deal of only one sober emotion. That’s why I also knew that when falling through the mist I was going to regret that I had jumped. And I was going to accept that regret and even have the time to be forgiven before hitting the rocky bottom floor.

Obviously all the thoughts about the past that were presumed to come arrived at this moment. They all lead to this. This inevitable moment. Death as the most clear-sighted choice. It was longed for. I was ready.

And because of that I was calm, there was no stress or immediate need to jump straight away. In that space of clarity I decided to use the opportunity to contemplate for a while. With the legs over the edge I sat down.

The mist peacefully and invitingly pulled me closer. With every pull came silent but massive eruptions of seemingly conflicting feelings. All was happening in clarity and in peace. It was a true paradox. Peace and war co-existing alongside each other.

I sat in contemplation for a long time before this idea came to me. The idea that the words that you read now were meant for you. While still sitting there contemplating, words started to get jotted down somewhere in the back of my head. This blog began to take form. As life and death continue to dance heart-achingly in my chest, I now share with you what is written.

seemingly so it ain't so, it just seems to be

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