seemingly so it ain't so, it just seems to be

Her

H

I had met Her and it suddenly seemed like the whole body realized what it meant to fully feel that. It was terrifying and it felt like a straight and steep road that made every moment go faster and faster. During those days my mornings in the bed were very long and I lay still as a stone and felt the world eat my anxiety up and slowly turn it into love and so it was revealed to me, piece by piece, that I had never had any experience like this, it was all new. One might think that by meeting many women, and that I had, one might get a lot of experience of the feminine, but that assumption is only half-right. Insight would come from that, acknowledging the common energy in all women, the feminine, but one’s focus would never stay long enough to thoroughly investigate the depth of Her.

Some days, sometimes inline with her menstruation periods, I would become as sensitive as Her. She stated once: ”Earlier in my life I was regarding the menstruation as a suffering, but now I know it will only help me by bringing everything up to the surface and making me absolutely honest about everything that goes on in my life.” And Her honesty would sometimes be as painful as honesty can be, always balancing out the situation, making it a full circle.

During those periods I would sometimes say something very romantic in silent hopes of making Her feel good, but she could be quite unpredictable upon receiving that. Sometimes she seemed touched, but I would as often sense how she disregarded it by saying that it was an unhealthy illusion that I entertained. At first my emotions would become a bit hurt and afraid, but I would soon notice that what came from Her was only clarity doing it’s job, cleaning up what didn’t need to be there.

Another scene I remember was when I had subtly distracted myself with the idea of connecting with another woman on an intimate level. When she noticed that something was going on she asked me about it and I wasn’t completely honest in my answer which made me eventually feel that I had betrayed our mutual trust. I realized that I needed to share my perceived mistake and so I did with bright hopes of receiving Her forgiveness. Against my expectations she would lapse out with anger and disappointment and I would become terrified and immediately think that all forgiveness was lost. Then she said: ”I want you to know that for me this bond of ours is too important for making such actions myself, I want you to feel safe with me.” Her anger had been as genuine as her expression of deep empathy and it all went too fast for me to follow and something broke inside of me in a good way and I started crying.

Truth is certainly relative and what’s wrong and right in the relating between two human bodies can never be known, thus I can never tell anyone that the experiences described here are to be expected if one is in a similar situation, since the situations are of course only seemingly similar. Still I have a feeling that there is something that one could call ”a healthy relationship”. I sense it when the delicate flowers of love rise in barren soil where a destruction of illusion just have taken place.

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seemingly so it ain't so, it just seems to be

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